BPD and Me

So about my BPD and me;

I can’t handle lies, untruths, lies by omission, betrayal or anything that falls in any of those categories. I also cannot stand to not be believed when I am telling the truth. For example when my Grandfather molested me, my mother believed me but the entire rest of the family stood by him. So I think needing to be heard and having people hear the truth from me is a big thing that stems from that, also about the lies and not being able to handle those either.

I have a massive fear of loss and Abandonment. It goes beyond any other fears I have. This one is almost to the point of being irrational. As in I am more then happy to sabotage my relationship I am in so I don’t get left first. This is something I am also working on as its not healthy for me or him, especially when I do love him with all my heart and I don’t want to lose him.

I have black and white thinking which I am working on in therapy. Things are either 100% wrong to me or 100% right. There are no shades of grey. But like I said I am working on it.

I struggle with distress tolerance and being over emotionally sensitive and feel others emotions as though they are my own. Feeling distressed and not having an outlet makes me feel claustrophobic. So my release for that in the past has been to cut myself and it feels like there is a massive cloud of black smoke released and I feel calmer.

I have a pretty bad addiction of buying clothing even though I don’t need more to make myself feel better or whatever hobby I am into at that stage. I do not gamble though which I think is definitely a good thing.

I have a massive heart and care too much and feel every emotion more then others including hate and love and everything inbetween.

My brain runs 1000 miles an hour and never stops thinking. There is only one thing which requires all my brain power to not think which is when I am playing ranked League of Legends which is an online PC game. I do love playing the game however sometimes the game itself is stressful as everyone wants to win including the other team and it can be hard alot of the time.

I don’t really get depressed because I am on a high dose of anti-depressants. that doesn’t mean that I don’t get sad, or upset of course I do.

I find it hard to accept things fully which I cannot change. Working on that too with Radical Acceptance – Not an easy one I tell ya that. E.g. I Radically accept that my ex partner was a complete cun* and used me to do all the house work and pay rent to him when he didn’t even love me. I Radically accept I cannot change him, you know what, I don’t even want to anymore. It took me a really long time to get over him. There will be a post on him at some stage.

I can be quite vengeful that is definitely a bad trait to have and hold onto. For example my ex has moved on with another person and I didn’t think he deserved to be happy after everything he put me through.

I am overly sensitive to sounds and to much stimulation as in visual and sound incoming at once. For example I will go bat shit crazy if there is a chainsaw going, a lawn mower and say 2 different people talking to me at once, it drives me insane to the point of extreme anger. One thing I find really hard to deal with is my darling mother tries to talk to me through walls…. lol I have good hearing but it is extremely frustrating when she is doing that and expecting me to hear and reply to everything she is saying. lol

For now that is all I can think of for this post. Thanks for reading.

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