Lost

I am not finding pleasure in my usual tasks and I am trying to find new tasks to occupy myself but they mean nothing. Even just as a joke browsing through Tinder I feel nothing for no-one. It’s like nothing fills in the gaps like my partner (hopefully still my partner) does.

I have felt lost all day without our ‘normal’ level of communication. He has just now said he has felt lost all day. I sent him a message before that and said I feel he is lost to me. I think it is true, I think this time I have really gone to far with my level of neediness and pushed him across the line and there is no turning back. I may have to fully face the reality that he is no longer with me and doesn’t want to continue this train wreck of a relationship I have caused.

I remember when he used to send me text messages with saying he loves me and my last name replaced with his. So it is not all on me for the expectation which was created for the ‘impossible and never to happen’ marriage/engagement. We both created an expectation, but for me it was real, I took it all to be real. For him, I think it was just playfulness. I misinterpret or take alot of things to literal and obviously this was one of them.

I sent him back a message saying only ‘Sorry’. That was the entire message. I have not yet a reply and don’t expect one as he is now out to dinner with family, his words, again maybe reading to much into it but he never said I was missing from that picture or included in the ‘family’ part of the message.

I do not know how to fix this situation. I don’t even know if it is able to be fixed. I don’t want to imagine what life is like without him. I love him with all my heart. I do know if he leaves life will continue it won’t just stop, but that won’t stop the heartache I will feel if he is lost to me forever.

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