This is something I wrote last year. I was in a very bad place and my heart was completely broken. So there is a bit of background with my ex who I now call a lying cunt. Sorry in advance for the language.
Little background when I talk about League it means League of Legends which is an online PC game.
Dumb Cunt or Not? That is the question 25/06/2016
This is all from fact or my perspective.
My head is in two minds, one side telling me to go because this situation with him is fucking you up more mentally. The other side tells me he needs looking after and you owe him that much.
My heart is also in two hearts I suppose you could say, One side of my heart loves him almost more then anything on this earth, but the other side is completely broken and worn down.
So what do you do when both your heart and head are having the same argument over the same situation????
Well Fuck Knows??? I am just writing because I think it will help rather then wanting to stab him for not being or willing to communicate in a mature adult way; meaning actual communication. Whoa what the fuck is that????
Reasons to Stay in regards to Peter:
- He may finally realize he does actually love me and if he doesn’t act quick is going to lose me altogether.
- He may Change.
- He says he wants me here.
Reasons to stay other then Peter:
- Pain Clinic about to happen
- 3 different types of counseling happening here.
- Possible part time job with the help of my JNP ( Job network provider).
- April (can get hugs).
- Good internet for League – (but can also play off phone data if no net)
- Can have my animals here.
Reasons to Leave in regards to Peter:
- No affection
- No Signs of love.
- No conversations/communication
- Not fulfilling any of my needs.
Reasons to leave other than Peter:
- Mummy and daddy
- Able to live with my mummy again
Ok so in terms of Love, he asked me the other day when was the last time I felt loved by him. I sat there for about 50 secs or so and came up with the answer I don’t remember. So I pounded over it this morning for 50 mins, I came up nearly empty. The last time I actually remember being or feeling loved by him was when we were first together, within the first 1 and a bit years of being together he was always so affectionate and loving. Full of love. Now, and for at least the last 4 years, all I can remember is me trying to get love, always hugging first or asking for a hug or a kiss. Saying I love you first. The more and more I think about it the more and more I feel like the biggest dumb fuck on earth. I mean like come on………………………I spend $300 on him this Xmas just gone and I didn’t even know he was outta love with me, why? Because he never said anything and at that time we rarely talked because both of us got sucked into the world of GTA online and that consumed every part of our free days.
Ok start at the start, last October a situation happened, one that caught me completely of guard. Peter had already started playing the PlayStation again and was off League so I was downstairs by myself still playing League. Matt our friend came onto me, now I was already losing Peters attention because he was back on GTA, I was drunk and lonely and responded back in a not so this is bad stop it Matt kinda way, as in I flirted back. So I felt bad and didn’t tell Peter for about 3 weeks, it happened again the weekend after the first one too.
So I told Peter and yes out of guilt and also wanting to relate to him more and make him feel more secure and that I was no longer playing league with Matt I purchased a PlayStation aswell to spend more time together. Well that turned into a big shit fest.
I made and found my own group of people and was quite happy to play with anyone really, Peter really only likes playing with Aussies…………… So that meant he wasn’t real keen on playing with my US friends which I loved playing with. So I tried to play with him as much as I could but also cause I was new I needed to make some money so I would do heists over and over and Peter got sick of that but me and my mates I made loved it. Peter and I drifted apart on the game as well as real life.
I was also working at that stage and was getting fucked around with my leaving date etc, so I was drinking every weekend and then I was getting stoned pretty much all my gaming time. So there was a period of about 5 months where Peter and I didn’t really talk or do anything together because all we wanted to do was get back to our gaming lives.
I found a chick on there that we used as a filler for our heists. One time we needed two people and I asked her (Peaches) and Peter to be apart of Ansar and my heist.
From then on Peaches and Peter were in separable. They had matching Clothes, matching cars, always laughing with each other and having fun, made a crew together, matching bikes.
That right there made me feel lonely, hurt because he wasn’t having fun with me, left out and abandoned. I would go out to the lounge and invite him to play with me but he didn’t want too and when he was doing something she was always there laughing and flirting like a little slut cunt. Peter never thought anything of it or so he says, He says that he never knew she was flirting with him and didn’t even care what her real name was etc…..
So I was feeling more and more pushed out the door and there was Ansar who was nice to me treated me nicely, called me beautiful and so we formed a pretty big bond because I was isolated from the one I actually loved.
Peter ended up asking myself, Peaches and his mate Tydog to do the Mastermind challenge. I accepted because it meant having 12 mil on the game to spend when we passed it. So we tried to complete a bit every day over 3 days. Peaches was always like I am going with Nothingface (Peter) and once again I felt left out. Peter was quite happy to have the little cunt come with him. Anyway after one of the heists I noticed that Peter had a bounty on him and I have seen him and Peaches give each other their bounties so no one else can get it. I was saying to him can I please have your bounty anyway he said no and I was already coming out of passive mode when he started saying if you come out of passive mode I will kill you. No joke 2 secs later my passive mode wore out and I didn’t even get a chance he just pulled the gun and shot me. Now yes most people would think, meh its just a game and a kill whatever, but that there cut me really fucking deep, he doesn’t even know or understand at all how that one action right there made me feel at all. I felt like I had been shot in the back, I yelled at him in the game chat because I was so hurt and got off the PS4. I was so hurt and so upset he couldn’t even see what he had just done.
Anyway next day we all get back on to complete the mastermind challenge and I accidentally drove into a tanker right at the end of one of the setups and blew up, it didn’t mess up the challenge but Peter and Peaches didn’t like it at all. (Background – I am a lead foot in the game).
I was hearing Peaches and Peter get closer and closer and more laughs and giggles and ALWAYS with each other. So I decided to look at Peter chat history with her and to my horror found these and I have never ever gone through his phone before but this is what I found when I did:
The amount of hurt, betrayal, angry and complete disbelief filled me so much with like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????? Not only do they have lots of laughs and flirt with each other and SHE does it while I am in chat aswell but they are having fucking convos over game text about me and my PERSONAL PERSONAL???? FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!
WHAT THE HELL!!!?!!! I have never ever said anything to anyone about Peter like that ever! Even now months down the track I feel hurt and angry and betrayed, it would have been better if he just cheated. This was just pure pure loss of my trust. I have said that I have forgiven him, but if I am honest with myself I haven’t why? Because he didn’t and still doesn’t see the harm in it, AND if I didn’t make a big shit storm he would still be gaming with her right now.
He even went out to EB games and purchased a game just so he could play it with her because she was getting a little sick of GTA!!! I mean FUCK ME DEAD that cut the wound even deeper. Like man, fuck I am crying and hurting over this shit even now still.
Anyway that went on for like I don’t know a few weeks and so I asked Tydog if his misses was having distress because of me or Peaches would he delete and Block her and he said back to me yes. So I asked Peter to delete her and he wouldn’t (instant thought he wants her over me) So I pulled my Tydog card out and then finally he deleted her.
BUT before all of this happened he decided to tell me that he was no longer in love with me and had been falling outta love with me for years………………………..WOWZA that hit like a fucking rock really fucking hard I think that was more then likely one of the hardest things I have ever been through, the amount of pain and numbness I felt in my chest was paralyzing almost to the point I couldn’t breathe I wouldn’t even wish that feeling on my worst enemy, it was like my actual heart was hurting.
So Pretty much begged him to give us another go and I would do my best in making the changes so our relationship could be better, at that stage he was still friends with THE CUNT.
I couldn’t deal with it, it was after he purchased and has played the other game for about 3 weeks I asked him to delete her. Even up until about 2 weeks ago he was still making cunty remarks about how he doesn’t make me block and delete any of my friends………………..I ended up going off at him about that and asking him never to bring up that subject again because I cannot handle it. So now, or until this point she hasn’t been brought up.
I then after he got the other game started to play and get back into League of Legends again and after some fun nights with the normal crew Peter decided he wanted to come back and play League aswell so everything was going along quite smoothly until about 3 weeks ago when he got demoted and he cracked the shits with League and jumped back on the PS4. Now ever since she was in the same server as him he has been in this “Numb/Empty” place again where he doesn’t know what he wants, doesn’t know if he loves me etc etc fucking etc.
Meanwhile I am here doing all the housework for him, cooking for him, making him cups of tea, making his smoko’s and getting nothing in return, like half the time I am lucky if I get a thank you. This last week, I haven’t even gotten a kiss and cuddle goodnight, I had to go to Aprils house the other day because I needed a fucking hug!
I feel, angry, hurt, disposed, used, upset, heart broken yet again.
I want love, I want affection, I want it from him. I don’t want it from anyone else.
This is where the dumb cunt or not comes into it. Am I stupid to think that this shit will change? Am I stupid to think that he will love me again? Am I stupid to think that his hugs will be genuine? Am I stupid to think there is even a future.
I love to be loved and I love to show love. How am I able to be and do that with someone who is no longer capable of it?
Should I leave? I ask myself that question at least 5 times a day if not more sometimes 20 times. Do I cry everyday? YES. Am I heart broken and upset everyday? YES. Am I angry everyday? Yes.
Don’t know where to put this so here will do, so there was a period of time actually it was the 17th of Feb where I actually intended to commit suicide, why? Because I was hurt, I felt alone, and I felt Abandoned. Ansar was no longer talking to me, my best online friend and person I was having a semi nice relationship with. Peter was always with Peaches and there was never any time for me. And I was so over work and being used and for what? To get let go? Fuck that. I was totally checking out. I missed my mum, I miss my Peter. I felt alone. I felt like I had NO ONE. Anyway I tried to explain that a little to Peter in a text and he told me I could have my present when I got home from work and it would make me feel better. My birthday present that is. I got home from work and was having a shower and was planning to overdose on Xanax because I had enough of it to kill me. I was out, I was so over the shit over life, over the pain, loneliness and just nothing, I was getting nothing.
Peter said that Vincent was coming over (His brother), I couldn’t very well kill myself if he was here so I played game of League while I waited for Peters brother to come and go and he told me to get proper clothes on as in a bra cause he might come inside etc.
Just as my League game was ending Peter came in and said was present was ready and I needed to come right now downstairs and I was like can you wait my game is nearly over, and thinking to myself I am just going to commit suci can you please fuck off.
So he lead me by the hand downstairs and into the spare bedroom and there was my beautiful mummy and daddy. Wow. Talk about divine intervention or what. I had no idea that they were coming up, I did have a strong feeling but never paid any attention to it. I started crying straight away, because there she was to save me. My mum. My best friend. My person who would make everything better.
So there are some of my inner thoughts. I had thoughts of running off to the US to be with someone who was being all nice and shit to me.
I had thoughts that I hated Peter and that I was no longer in love with him.
I have had all kinds of thoughts. Some I have voiced and some I have been to afraid to voice.
I know one thing, I am no longer Suicidal. I don’t think anyone is worth killing myself over. I was just in a very dark place and felt ever so alone and no one I could actually have and hug and hold. Then my mum was there.
As for the next few months of my life, I don’t know how they are going to end up. I don’t know if Peter and I are going to make it. I don’t know where I will be living. I don’t know.
Which scares me because I cannot control what I don’t know.
What I would like to happen is for Peter to WAKE THE FUCK UP and love me again, Just love me for fucks sake. I mean I aint that fucking ugly, and I ain’t that fucking hard to deal with and I have a huge heart filled with love for only 2 people and my animals. So you know come on. I want that happy life that everyone gets, marriage and maybe a kid. Some property for my animals where it is safe. I want a good home. I want a stable and loving home. But what I want in the long run is not what is going to happen, why? Because I cannot control another’s free will and I cannot make someone love me.
OK don’t get me wrong at all, I know he does alot for me, I mean he buys the food I cook for fucks sake, and sometimes I get free Petrol, and he buys me lunch/breakfast on Saturday’s, so I know he does alot for me when he can. It’s the things he doesn’t do that I wish to have in my life. He does what he can.
I understand where he is at in his “Numb/Empty” place I have been there, plenty of times.
The feeling I feel when I am like that is that I have exerted to much emotion or distress over situations going on in my life and I just shutdown after letting everything out in a burst of wild rage or relentless crying, it eventually stops and then I stop. I don’t care about anyone or anything. It is like floating around in a void of nothing. So hard to explain. When things are really bad before they get to that point sometimes I cut myself and it is like I am seeing a puff of black smoke come out. Then I am not so much better, but more stable emotionally. I go ‘out’, like checking out of my body for however long it takes my body and mind to recover or deal with the tortures of life.
So in me saying that I “should” have more compassion and understanding for Peter and where he is at, at this point in time. Do I? To a point yes, to another point no, because it puts me on uncertain ground as to I don’t know if I have a home when he/we moves? I don’t know if he still wants me. So I need these things to be confirmed to me so I know what I am doing. Otherwise I am just in this place again of not knowing and feeling used and abused in the process. So some compassion for me would be good too.
I have written to a tattoo studio with a picture of my tattoo on my chest so I can have it fixed and also his name removed, because I had his name there out of love and also out of the promise in which he would get one too and never has. Now never wants to marry me either….. So once again….. WHERE THE FUCK DO I STAND? I look like a compete fucking idiot. The dumbest cunt on this earth, who goes and gets her mans name on her chest because she thinks its forever………………Yeah they all laughing now.
- Do I have a partner?
- Do I have a boyfriend?
- Do I only have a friend?
- Do I have a no one?
- Am I single?
- Do I have a home with him after this one is sold?
- Do I have a home?
- Am I mean to leave?
- Is he trying to push me out?
- Is he really in a “faze” or is he faking so I do get over it and leave?
- Is he that sly?
- Does he really want me to leave?
- Has he had communication with Peaches? He has lied about it before.
- Do I trust him?
- Should I trust him?
- Should I just quit?
- Should I stop trying?
- Does he love me?
- Does he want to be with me?
- Does he find me pretty?
- Does he miss her?
- Does he want to play with her?
- Does he want to really be with her and is just lying to me? Why? Because he doesn’t see a way they could be together because he won’t travel.
- When will it be good for me?
- When will he stop spending all his spare time on the PlayStation?
- Will he ever have time for me?
- Will he ever talk to me?
- Will he ever have nice communication with me?
- Why is everything so hard with him?
- Why am I the one that gets the blame?
- Why am I the one being punished?
- Does he even find me attractive? He doesn’t even want to have sex with me.
- All these fucking questions…and there are a thousand more.
- Why am I here?
This question deserves a chapter of it’s own.
You know I worked out why I always cry at the end of a happy scene in a movie where to lovers get married or back together or whatever the happy ending is, I cry because that is something I don’t have, I am crying for a loss I have already lost. I want that back. As for people losing loved ones in movies and TV series it the same situation I am crying because it is all my fears coming to the surface, loss and abandonment. Everything always comes back to that. So why am I still here? Because I am scared to lose anymore. I mean fuck yes it does look like I have already lost no matter how hard I try. But there is still a couple of bread crumbs here and there once every so often, so is that enough? I am scared to lose the bread crumbs because then it would be classed as a total loss and I can’t bare that.
I can’t bare another loss in my life, I have lost so much and I have given up so much to be with him and I don’t want all of that to be for nothing.
I don’t want to look like a fucking dumb cunt who wasted her life with someone for nearly seven years only to be left outside alone ad find out that he has been falling out of love with me for years.
Bayden already fucked the “Good years” of my life that should have just been mum and I and me having my friends and partying and having fun. I don’t want it to be another one of those situations. Where I just wasted my life with someone because I didn’t think anyone else would love me and be with me and gave up spending good years with my mum and friends. I want to know that what I left behind is worth what I have got. Or getting?????
I don’t want to look like an idiot – the dumb fuck who got Peter on her chest in a heart with true love forever symbol. Who did it because there was the promise he would too. There was the promise he would marry me. There was the promise we would never lie to each other, there was the promise we would always be open and honest. All these promises have been broken and so has my heart. Falling out of love with me for years……………….. One smart cookie we have here don’t we. Lets just spend all your money on him every birthday and every Christmas and Valentine’s day and look like a fucking dumb fuck. Yeah lets do that. I mean the Valentine’s Day which just past I brought him an expensive necklace and I didn’t even get a card….. Why because he didn’t love me anymore at that stage and I had no fucking idea….I look like the biggest dick dumb fuck on earth and I tell you what I fucking feel like it too.
I was even so dumb as to think I was getting a kiss and cuddle last night. Ha! Showed you dumb shit……. I even tried spending time with him by watching my TV series on my tablet in the lounge with him………..Get me anywhere…. What do you think?
You know what’s even worse, I am even so dumb to think he will talk to me today………….26/06/2016
Where is all this coming from? A place of hurt and uncertainness.
So conclusion? None. Stop thinking for now. Should I let Peter read this? Who knows.