Test Blog for second blog. So Original………….


What I once Dreamt

I once dreamt about being engaged and then one day marrying the man of my dreams.

The man of my dreams told me he never wanted to get married. How does that make me feel when I once said the same thing?

I feel hurt because my feelings about marriage have changed because I want to keep the man of my dreams forever. I never and still do not want a big wedding. I just wanted to go to the local court house and have it done there. Nothing special just knowing that we had that promise in writing and security to be together forever. I am a person who needsto feel secure in a relationship. Marriage and engagement would give me that security I crave and feel I need. How am I meant to make him see that I need that. I cannot force him or manipulate him into feeling as though he needs to do it just to keep me. That’s not at all what I want.

How can two complete opposites compromise on a situation from 1 extreme to the next. 1 being wanting to marry the man and the other never wanting to be married?

I cried when he again repeated he never wants to get married, even being with me won’t change that. However my feelings did change because I thought I had found the right person. Does it mean because we now have different views on that we are no longer the right people for each other?

I have had alot of heartache in the past and to find someone as special as I have maybe it is me who needs to give up this dream I dreamt?

So anyway for now I have given up my dream of wanting the perfect ring from the perfect man, the ring I chose and have been in love with for 10 years. I will one day maybe purchase it for myself just because I can. There are no rules or laws out there to say that I cannot by my self a diamond ring just because I want one.

I love this guy, but I cannot make all the compromises about everything all the time there needs to be some give and take and I guess also he is wanting to wait to see if we live together and how that all pans out. Almost as though he is still a little unsure of how he feels and if he does feel like I am the one he wants for the rest of his life.

Maybe with my BPD and needy issues this has put him in a man cave where he is unsure of what he does actually really want and if it is really me forever. I don’t know.

I know what I want. I want him.

Does he want me?