So, here’s the thing with me, I can pretend to let something go but then it simmers in my head and ends up becoming this huge issue until I burst and spit everything out and it just ends up causing issues. The issue I am referring to is the engagement thing.
So last night I think I made my partner (if he still is my partner) feel pressured as in it’s either engagement or nothing at all. That is not at all what I intended. I felt hurt because the way he described never wanting to get married and or engaged was like I wasn’t the ‘forever girl’.
I know I am hard to be with in a relationship especially when I have PMDD, my brain goes crazy and the thing is everyone can escape me, but the worst of it is I cannot escape myself. I am stuck in me with my thoughts and hurts and anger etc. It’s so consuming I can feel all the emotions all at once and it makes it hard for me to breathe and stop thinking and talking and making things worse. I don’t know what to do.
I think I have ruined everything. I mean maybe one day when we started living together he would have proposed and we would just be engaged forever which is so romantic and I would have the security I feel I need. Little back ground, at the present we have a long distance relationship and he comes down every 2 to 3 weeks for the weekends and I try to drive up there when I can which hasn’t been for a while (me driving up there) because his parents have stated that my dog which is my baby is not welcome at the house and that just tainted the idea of my visits to his place.
You know the worst of it, when I create any issue or when an issue is created between us, generally I can move on the next day once I feel the issue has been resolved, but he can’t. I think bit by bit I am wearing him down and eventually if not very soon he will just give in and give up on us.
I feel I need something that says or feels to me as security. E.g. Matching tatts or a ring. I don’t want an expensive ring, and I wouldn’t expect to get married just having that promise there with something that is tangible is what I want/feel I need. I feel as though he is waiting, waiting to see if I am good enough to continue a relationship, waiting to see if we can live together, waiting to see if I am his forever or if I am just to be given up on.
We will have been together for a year come August and we have already been through so much which ‘normal’ couples go through after years of being together, so our progress as a couple is more advanced then the average relationship.
I feel cheated and almost lied to as we have had several conversations about getting married and engaged etc. We even went to a ring shop and he got me to try on a ring and the lady wrote all the information on a card to give to me and he snatched it from me, so that gave me hope and almost the expectation that he was going to ask me to be engaged to him. He said last night pretty much that he never wants to be married and I said what about being engaged and he said that pretty much goes with it, doesn’t it? I felt so hurt and angry with him I called him an arsehole 3 times.
I think I am a good enough person to make a true commitment to, I know I am hard work, but I love more then the average person, I feel more of everything. I have a kind heart and am caring and giving. I try my best to please others.
He told me last night he was shutting down, I told him he had already shut me out a while ago and asked him to destroy the ring card and told him I think we need to take a break for a while. I didn’t get a response because it was late and he fell asleep. He sent me a message this morning just saying I love you. I responded with just I love you too back. Normally he sends me good morning messages etc. I haven’t heard from him now since 8am and its nearly 3pm. I know he has work and would be busy so it’s not like I expect a reply of any kind for now. He is also busy tonight with a dinner for his brother who is going to NZ for a while this week so I probably won’t see him on Skype tonight if at all. Maybe we should just leave communication alone for now. Give each other a break and a chance to actually truly think what we want and maybe when we talk to each other again there might be a change or a compromise with both or 1 of us. I don’t feel it is very fair for me to give up everything, but then I don’t feel it is fair for him to be forced into something he doesn’t want.
I don’t know. 😦
He keeps telling me he doesn’t know how to relationship, he hasn’t been in one in over 7 years. I always tell him what I want, well most of the time and try to be as accommodating as possible for the fact that he is new to the whole relationship thing. I find it hard when we both just keep fuc*ing it all up. Both of us, not just me. As I mentioned before we have been through alot already in our relationship and we have dealt with those situations, so I guess this is just another one of those situations, but I think deep down I already know that it is more then just ‘another situation’ I think we are coming down to crunch time and he is going to end up leaving me because it’s all just to hard for him. I get it. honestly I do. I would be totally heart broken and not know really what to do with myself for a while, but I guess eventually I would move on and get over it. However I don’t want him to give up on us, but I am not the one that can make that choice for him. I think in the back of his head he has already left me, I know that feeling because it’s how my ex was with me.
BPD and the Real Me 